Maladaption

I just can’t do it.  Once I lose control of eating, it literally takes MONTHS to get it back. After the free-for-all December, daughter’s wedding, the holidays, long winter weekend in a snowy tourist town  and trying to ease back into work after being off a lot, I am completely out of control.

I wake with resolve.  No sugar, no white flour, no junk food today!  I try to be gentle with myself:  you can eat as much as you like, just no junk.  Things typically go pretty well until late in the afternoon, when the demanding brain chemistry kicks in and wants junk, NOW. No negotiating.  Eat <insert random junk food du jour> now.

I’ve gained back much of what I lost, so laboriously and slowly, over the fall months.  I can feel rolls of fat on my back—eu! 

At least I’m still exercising, but I don’t have that wonderful feeling of the fall where I was getting stronger and feeling like I could do the hard hikes and backpacks again.

Why is it so hard?  I dislike being so heavy, and I know it is very bad for my health, but I just can’t stop. 

I want to stop. But sometimes, it’s the only thing that gets me through the day.

But in the good news:

I found out what is wrong with my knees.  I have patellofemoral syndrome, which basically means that the tendon connecting my kneecap to my thigh bone is pulled out of alignment, which results in not only contact between the two bones but also disintegration of the cartilage.  So that explains the horrid crackling sounds and pain.  The orthopedic doctor has sent me for physical therapy.  At first I was skeptical, but I went to the PT clinic and what a revelation!  Apparently my outer quadriceps is much stronger that my inner quadriceps, which has resulted in the misalignment!  There was more talk of weak hip flexors and gluteus medius and tight iliotibial bands, but that is still over my head right now, but what matters  is the condition can be fixed!  I have exercises to strengthen the inner quads and, if I do them, I can alleviate much of the problems associated with the condition! 

Quick aside:  it took forever for me to get this diagnosis.  I was told first that the crackling sounds were “air in the joints”.  I finally got a knee x-ray which indicated “evidence of arthritis”.  When asked what I could do about this, I was told “nothing”.  Finally, after I complained more, my doctor grudgingly gave me a referral to the orthopedist, telling me she was only doing this because of my weight and that she didn’t want me to have any reasons not to be active. 

Gee, thanks.  But I did go to the orthopedist and to the physical therapist and I’m so happy I did!  And my (quite common) condition has nothing to do with my weight, it’s just a maladaptive response to the type of exercises I typically do, which tend to strengthen the outer quad only. 

Another aside:  no one ever believes I exercise, because even when I’ve been significantly thinner than I am now, I never have that fit “look” about me.  I guess I don’t get great muscle definition.  But over the years, many people have expressed surprise that I exercise.  Guess I just look soft and squishy.  But honestly, at 50, I don’t care whether I look like I exercise or not.  What matters is that I do it. 

Maladaption.  Hmmm.  Thinking while I type here, but perhaps that’s what happened with food.  Somehow food became an adaptive coping mechanism to deal with <insert random life stress> and over time, it sort of spiraled out of control and became maladaptive. 

I can overcome it with great effort, but it’s not easy and it’s ALWAYS my default mode.  And I’ve noticed that it tends to become worse and worse the longer it goes on. 

Hmmmm.  Thinking. 

Will report back.

Alien Pod Plants

A few months ago, one of my double-lobed brain plants (Lithops) split into a narrow four-lobed plant.  It was very strange, and I posted a photograph of what happened:                                                            

Weird.  Really weird.

                

Now, something even stranger is occurring.  The two-lobed base of the four-lobe plant is cracking open and new lobes are emerging from within.  I still can’t tell how many lobes will be growing out because the cracks in the existing plant are very small and I certainly don’t want to mess with this delicate, touchy, weird plant.

Note crack with emerging something at base of lobes.

Closer view. It looks like another lobe, or lobes.

It’s like the movie Alien-a body splitting open and something emerging from within.  These plants are really the strangest things I’ve ever seen.  It’s hard to believe they are native to Earth.  But they are, as they come from South Africa.  Very, very strange.  

On the diet front, after a free-for-all December (which was super fun), I'm going to start back on the weight watchers today.  For me, getting back on track eating-wise really is a (difficult) withdrawal process, so wish me luck!  

Late December Events

So many wonderful things have happened since I last posted! First of all, my daughter was married in a beautiful outdoor wedding on a crisp, clear Friday, December 21.  With family and friends present, my son walked her down the aisle to meet her new husband in a low-key, relaxed ceremony.  It was followed by a fun reception at the same venue as the wedding.  The whole experience was great:  driving down to El Paso on Wednesday in a terrible high wind-brownout condition dust storm to pick up her dress (running into tumbleweeds, dodging swaying 18-wheelers and me almost choking on a double cheeseburger while driving 70 mph on an interstate were highlights), the Thursday rehearsal and rehearsal luncheon, last-minute shopping for wedding supplies, discovering that the right foundation garments really can make you look better than you actually do, preparing flower girl baskets with rose petals and  going to the salon to get our hair and makeup done before the wedding, sipping mimosas and eating doughnuts and fruit salad, driving the bride in full regalia to the venue . . . it was just fun, and I hope my daughter had the wedding she always wanted.

Christmas was low key but nice, my little one enjoyed her gifts and my son came over to visit and we entertained ourselves by watching You Tube videos of scary roller coasters.  Millennium Force, Top Thrill Dragster and X-Scream, I will never darken your waiting lines!  I would die of fright!  It was fun.  What was really great was that my cousin David in Austin called Christmas morning and offered us his three-night stay at the Lodge at Cloudcroft, a historic hotel up in the Sacramento Mountains.  Somehow the logistics just weren’t going to work for them, and the room was paid for, so I said YES and my husband and daughter and I drove up on Friday and had a great time.  Highlights included a fine dining experience Friday night in the fancy hotel dining room with live piano music, unexpectedly running into my brother-and-law and his girlfriend at breakfast the next morning (neither of us knew the other was going to be there so it was quite a surprise and a coincidence), ice skating at the town rink (outdoor, low rent and with bumpy, cracked ice but still fun), going tubing in the mountains (rent tubes, snow boots and bibs, drive into the national forest to a designated tubing area and go for it) and seeing my little one gradually get braver and braver as she kept starting her tubing run on progressively higher and steeper hills, dinner and good conversation with my brother-in-law and girlfriend at a horrid bar/café filled with loud drunks, hitting the town tourist trap shops, hiking on a great rails-to-trails trail that told the story of the old “Cloud Climbing Railroad” that went from Alamogordo to Cloudcroft and featured  overlooks with benches and interpretive signage of dramatic views, scary track cuts through rocky outcrops and old trestles, checking the weather forecast, realizing we were about to get snowed in so checking out of the hotel late Sunday afternoon instead of the planned Monday morning and hightailing it home to beat the weather.  It was just a great trip, fun for young and old, and I am so grateful to my cousin for offering it to us.  He knew Cloudcroft is a less than two hour drive for us, as opposed to a plane ride and car rental for his family, and I was happy to accept the offer.

The only disappointment I had this holiday season was that I wanted to do at least one backpack and one long hike, but my dad got sick and my other hiking buddy was out of town, so neither happened.  Oh well, I still have two long holiday weekends (MLK Day and Presidents Day) before the February-May "holiday drought" and if weather and schedules permit, I hope to get out again very soon. 

Succulents:  they are all inside and not particularly happy about it, but with temperatures dropping to 20 at night, they wouldn’t make it outdoors.  I moved the big dish garden and the kittens forgot about it for a while and it recovered slightly from being crushed and bitten by kitten bodies and teeth, but it was rediscovered and I awoke one morning to find the poor plants in a dire condition.  I was crushed (ha ha) realizing the toothpicks had been ineffective in dissuading the kittens from getting in the plants, but then I had a flash of brilliance, a solution that should work, which has been implemented and cannot be described, only pictured, here: 

Take that, kittens!

So, in all the fun and exciting times, holidays and time off work, I have not kept to my diet at all, in fact, I have eaten copiously of holiday junk food, and now I’ve got to get back to it.  I had gotten down to 163 and change, not sure what I am now but I’m sure it’s back up to 170 or so.  Not to worry, I kept up my exercise and feel good and I think I can get back on track.  It’s back to work tomorrow, back to a normal schedule, and I think I can do it.   I've been reading some research about how the prefrontal cortex of the brain governs poor decision making regarding eating and I may look into solutions for prefrontal cortex issues to help with my food problem.  I know someday "they" will disover that sweet and fatty food is just as addictive as narcotics.

Happy New Year, it's good to see 2013!