Maladaption

I just can’t do it.  Once I lose control of eating, it literally takes MONTHS to get it back. After the free-for-all December, daughter’s wedding, the holidays, long winter weekend in a snowy tourist town  and trying to ease back into work after being off a lot, I am completely out of control.

I wake with resolve.  No sugar, no white flour, no junk food today!  I try to be gentle with myself:  you can eat as much as you like, just no junk.  Things typically go pretty well until late in the afternoon, when the demanding brain chemistry kicks in and wants junk, NOW. No negotiating.  Eat <insert random junk food du jour> now.

I’ve gained back much of what I lost, so laboriously and slowly, over the fall months.  I can feel rolls of fat on my back—eu! 

At least I’m still exercising, but I don’t have that wonderful feeling of the fall where I was getting stronger and feeling like I could do the hard hikes and backpacks again.

Why is it so hard?  I dislike being so heavy, and I know it is very bad for my health, but I just can’t stop. 

I want to stop. But sometimes, it’s the only thing that gets me through the day.

But in the good news:

I found out what is wrong with my knees.  I have patellofemoral syndrome, which basically means that the tendon connecting my kneecap to my thigh bone is pulled out of alignment, which results in not only contact between the two bones but also disintegration of the cartilage.  So that explains the horrid crackling sounds and pain.  The orthopedic doctor has sent me for physical therapy.  At first I was skeptical, but I went to the PT clinic and what a revelation!  Apparently my outer quadriceps is much stronger that my inner quadriceps, which has resulted in the misalignment!  There was more talk of weak hip flexors and gluteus medius and tight iliotibial bands, but that is still over my head right now, but what matters  is the condition can be fixed!  I have exercises to strengthen the inner quads and, if I do them, I can alleviate much of the problems associated with the condition! 

Quick aside:  it took forever for me to get this diagnosis.  I was told first that the crackling sounds were “air in the joints”.  I finally got a knee x-ray which indicated “evidence of arthritis”.  When asked what I could do about this, I was told “nothing”.  Finally, after I complained more, my doctor grudgingly gave me a referral to the orthopedist, telling me she was only doing this because of my weight and that she didn’t want me to have any reasons not to be active. 

Gee, thanks.  But I did go to the orthopedist and to the physical therapist and I’m so happy I did!  And my (quite common) condition has nothing to do with my weight, it’s just a maladaptive response to the type of exercises I typically do, which tend to strengthen the outer quad only. 

Another aside:  no one ever believes I exercise, because even when I’ve been significantly thinner than I am now, I never have that fit “look” about me.  I guess I don’t get great muscle definition.  But over the years, many people have expressed surprise that I exercise.  Guess I just look soft and squishy.  But honestly, at 50, I don’t care whether I look like I exercise or not.  What matters is that I do it. 

Maladaption.  Hmmm.  Thinking while I type here, but perhaps that’s what happened with food.  Somehow food became an adaptive coping mechanism to deal with <insert random life stress> and over time, it sort of spiraled out of control and became maladaptive. 

I can overcome it with great effort, but it’s not easy and it’s ALWAYS my default mode.  And I’ve noticed that it tends to become worse and worse the longer it goes on. 

Hmmmm.  Thinking. 

Will report back.