Banana Smoothie

I'm flailing.  Trying everything.  Went to a Meeting on Monday night.  Back on the Shr*nk Yo*rself website yesterday (darn my Windows phone, I can't get their wonderful Pock*t Hung*er Coach app because it only works for Android or Iphone.  Not that the PHC app would even work for me).  Reading OA literature.  Reading other weight-loss books.  Just flailing.  I weighed more than EVER when I was at the doctor's office on Monday.  The number is too terrible to even type, let alone utter.

Right now I'm reeling from having to drink a horrid 'banana smoothie' for the CT scan I had this morning.  It was actually a barium solution but a dreadful banana flavor had been added to it, I guess to make it more palatable.  I had to drink one bottle at 6:30 am and most of the next one at 7:00 am.  Then, right before I went into the CT donut machine, I had to drink the rest of it.  It was horrible.  I'm still having residual gags just from remembering the taste and texture of the vile liquid. 

However, the label of the barium solution bottle did amuse me greatly.  It portrays a bunch of bananas, realistically rendered, carefully shaded--a work of art.  However, next to the lovely artwork of bananas, sort of down and to the left, barely fitting on the label and placed as if it was an afterthought, is a crude, anatomically incorrect rendering of a digestive tract.  The juxtaposition of these two images struck me as quite amusing and I got plenty of chuckles just looking at the label.

That is until this morning, until I actually had to drink the Readi-Cat Banana Smoothie Barium Sulfate Suspension Solution.

Fortunately, the CT scan went smoothly, no allergic reaction to the creepy iodine solution being injected into my veins, and the CT scanner is way less claustrophobic than the PET scan machine. 

So, no real progress on the eating front, yet.  But I'm not giving up.  Few clothes fit.  In fact, I'm wearing a 12W sized blouse this morning. Not a 12, a 12W.  Must get it back.  But going through my recent health challenges, having to fast, or eat a modified diet, or drink large amounts of various vile solutions in preparation for various tests makes it very hard to stick to any sort of regular eating plan.

 

Here is the barium solution label that amused me so greatly.  Note the odd juxtaposition of images.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Annus Horribilis

It has been a horrible year.  Starting in late August 2013, my 75-year-old father, the Mysterious Septuagenarian, developed a massive chest infection that required him to have brutal, barbaric chest surgery to clear out all the gunk, then be on IV antibiotics for weeks.  He was in the hospital for 11 days, and we weren't sure if he would ever "get it back".  He did, through hard work requiring great effort, and he is back to climbing fourteeners and being his normal self.  Thank God, and I say that reverently!  But it was a horrible few weeks.

Then, in December 2013, I found out I had a malignant tumor in my sigmoid colon.  Right before Christmas, which is a terrible time to find out you have cancer because everyone is off work and getting test results, let alone doctor's appointments, takes a long time.  I finally had surgery to remove the tumor in January, but as it had spread to a lymph node, I had to have six months of oral chemotherapy which finally ended in late August of 2014.  I tolerated the chemo pills pretty well, but it was still a big deal.  I am still awaiting an appointment for a scan and a 'scope to see if we got all the cancer out or if I'm going to need additional treatment.

Next, in mid-August, my mother-in-law sickened from complications of diabetes, was put in home hospice, and ended up passing away in early September.  She was a strong woman who raised four children successfully and kept the family going after her husband suffered a crippling stroke and then succumbed a few years later to lung cancer.  It's been very hard on my husband and his siblings, because she was their rock and her last year of dementia and decline was very traumatic for all of them.

Finally, last week my oldest had an ectopic pregnancy scare, which thankfully ended up being just a cyst, but it scared us all to death and she suffered, not just from the physical pain but also from the emotional turmoil, as she and her husband really want a baby.

So, August 2014 to September 2014 have been very difficult for the family.  My eight-year-old has had to go through all this as well.  Somehow we all manage to get up in the morning and keep going, but it has been hard, so hard.  Other things have happened that aren't blogosphere fodder but have worsened the burdens we have carried.  It has been a true Annus Horribilis.

But in the good news, my eight year old is healthy and adjusting to the rigors of third grade, I still have a job, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my scans will be clear and I will be deemed an offical Cancer Survivor. 

Begone, Annus Horribilis.  We need some happy news around here. 

This is a picture of my cat sleeping in a dog cave bed.

You Saw it Here

I had three good sugar-free days.  Then I messed up last night, eating some Whoppers, which weren't even GOOD!  They were semi-stale.  The chocolate coating was waxy. 

I'm retaining water and my feet and ankles are puffy.  Even my arms feel puffed, they sort of stand out from my sides in an odd way.  I don't think they could have gotten fatter that fast, so there is probably retained water in my arms as well.

My poor mother-in-law died day before yesterday.  I believe a major cause of her death was complications of diabetes. 

I'm 52 in a few days.  I'm never going to look really good again, so it's time to focus my efforts at fixing my eating problem towards protecting my health.

I don't know that much about diabetes but it seems like a terrible disease.  One to NOT GET. 

I had/have colon cancer, which may be diet related.  That's big.  Major stuff.

I decide today that I will not let the slip-up last night ruin my efforts.  Today is a new day to eat well.

So, today I will eat well.  Oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch.  Bean burgers for dinner, if my husband feels well enough to make them.

You saw it here.  I'm not going to be "off and running", as is my usual behavior, after "messing up" last night. 

Posting a picture of my dogs, happy in their secret pond during a walk. I may have major eating issues, but at least I don't mind exercising. 

Happy Dog 1 and Happy Dog 2 in secret pond

It's Serious, Folks

Eating this way is going to kill me.

My poor mother-in-law lies, desperately ill, in a hospital bed right now, from a constellation of problems caused largely by the fact that she has Type 2 diabetes.

I have to stop eating this way.

My body sends me subtle signs when I'm pushing the boundaries of sugar consumption, and I'm to that point again.

I must get off the junk. 

It doesn't matter if I had a tough childhood or if my husband is distant or my job is stressful or the house is a cluttered wreck.

Life is hard enough without making it harder by suffering with AVOIDABLE health problems.

Must stop, now.

Get it back!

2014 Update

Well, a lot has happened.

Weight-wise, I'm back up to new heights of fat-ness.  Probably heavier than I've ever been.  I lumber.  My upper arms are ripply sausages.  My legs have moved into fat lady territory, they don't have any regular leg shape to them any more.  And my midsection is just thick and stout, there is no other way to describe it.  Just big, big all over. 

I think I went through menopause because if being fat wasn't enough, my face has taken on the appearance of a crone.  And my neck  . . . lets just not talk about my neck.

But my health  . . . my always great health . . .  is no more.  Back in December I was diagnosed with Stage III colon cancer.  Surgery in January.  We think they got all the tumor but one lymph node was positive for cancer so I've been on a regimen of oral chemotherapy for the last six months.  I call it Chemo-Lite, because I haven't lost my hair and it doesn't make me sick to my stomach.  It does, however, cause neuropathy in my hands and feet (feels sort of like dull shards of glass in your hands, weird) and makes my eyes red and itchy, like an allergy attack.  And I'm not very peppy. Usually I'm okay but sometimes I get pretty tired.  For the past few months, the only exercise I've been getting is walking my dogs, usually for about 45 minutes.

I try to act like I'm normal but I'm really not.  In fact, I've been off of work for almost two months on the orders of my doctor(s) and I can't go back until at least mid-September.  I don't miss work, but I do miss the people I work with.  But my 8-year-old and I have had a great summer together.  She was happy not to have to go to summer program and we had some good times.  She's back in school now, but I can pick her up at the dismissal bell and she doesn't have to go to after school program, which she loves. 

So, I can do pretty well eating-wise for a while but I always, always, always blow it.  I couldn't even sleep well last night due to all the butter pecan ice cream I had eaten forming an immovable lump in my stomach.  Ugh.  And now that I'm older, I've noticed that my body is much less tolerant of my poor eating habits.  I won't go into detail, but my body lets me know in unpleasant ways when I've been hitting the junk food too hard.  And I'm terrified of tipping over into Type II diabetes.  Which is completely avoidable, if I could get my eating act together.

Must. Do. Better.

I always felt that if I could get some down time, just some time to breathe, that I could get my eating on track.  But I've had several weeks of down time and no, I haven't gotten my eating on track.  At least not for any significant amount of time. 

There is no magic bullet!  There is nothing for me to do but to just do it, to quote Nike.  Just don't eat the junk. Actually, just don't do it is probably more appropriate in my particular situation.

So, I'm back with my First World Problems and Middle-Aged-Fat-Lady angst.  More to follow!