The Good News

The Good News: 

After two weeks on weight watchers, I've lost a little over 5 pounds.  This is good.  What is bad is that I'm always so flipping HUNGRY!  Of course, I haven't fine-tuned my plan and I'm sure I could do a lot better in terms of choosing more filling foods and such, but I'm always so busy and its hard to devote the time to figuring this out.  Still, I'm on a roll and it's good to feel in control.

The Great News:

Today is my birthday and I am 50 years old!  Life is good, I have many, many blessings and much to be thankful for.  Three healthy children, a comfortable home, a good job, a kind husband, supportive and interesting extended family, and a variety of wonderful people in my life.  And the ability to live in a country where I can take so many day to day freedoms completely for granted and thus be able to worry about things like being overweight.  In fact, the ability to be overweight is a blessing in itself.  Means there's lots of food.

The Not-So-Good News:

I did blow my weight watchers last night at my WONDERFUL big-kid hosted birthday event at Uno's by drinking two large long island iced teas and having an ice cream sundae, and the birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight is sure to blow it further, cuz I'm having a steak, baked potato, and a glass of wine.  I'm doing this with complete awareness of the possible consequences, and it will be very interesting tomorrow, after all the half-century festivities are over, to see if I'm able to resume my weight-loss plan.  History isn't on my side, but I'm still feeling positive.

And the Jury is Still Out:

I'm slightly hung over after two long island iced teas (and a shot of Irish whiskey) but not miserable, just a little shaky and under the weather.  However, I'm thinking this slight hangover will be a good thing as I often use my birthday as an opportunity to eat and eat and eat horrid junk food all day (jelly doughnuts, mocha lattes, chips, candy, ice cream, you name it) but right now, I'm not feeling like eating much of anything. 

Will report back. 

Weight yesterday:  171 and some change.  It would be nice to drop out of the horrible 170s.  BTW, my goal weight is 138.  Whihc, interestingly, is still technically "overweight" for my height, but at 138 I can wear a size six and feel good, so that's the goal.  Sorry, weight chart developers.

A Good Checkup

I had a checkup on Friday and it went well!  The doctor finally seemed to listen to my concerns!  There was the requisite weight scolding, but it wasn't too bad.  And I got referrals!  To a vascular surgeon for my foot and lower leg swelling!  An x-ray for my creaky knees!  I don't think it will show much but it's a needed first step in finding out what is going on with them.  A shingles vaccine prescription!  (Especially wonderful since this is typically only given to those over 60!)  And finally, the 50-year-old's rite-o-passage, a referral to the gastroenterology center for my first, fun colonoscopy! 

Yay!

I'm actually not being facetious about the "yay" except for the colonoscopy, because I'd really like to address these minor but irritating health issues now before they grow into bigger problems.  So, once I go to these appointments I will report back on what is (or isn't) going on.

In other news, my son arrived safely, will be staying at least through his sister's December 21 wedding, maybe longer.  Went out to lunch with him and my 6-year-old yesterday and had a nice time.  We went to the Burger King since it had a playground for the little one.  To my horror, however, the teeny weeny barely a few bites and very un-filling whopper junior I had was 7 weight watchers points.  I get 26 a day, so that was a big hit for not much satiation. 

Then I took him to the car wash to wash the cross-country road trip crud off his car.  I like his car a lot because it used to be mine and I gave it to him.  It's a 1997 Subaru GT, very sporty and fun with almost all the options available for a car of its vintage.  The cumbersome, slide-out-of-the-dash cup holder makes me laugh, and the black paint job is showing its age, but its still a neat car for a 22-year-old guy.  After the $11 Big Daddy Wash, it looked a lot better.  I even wiped off the interior surfaces.  I guess you never stop being the mom, even when they're this old.

It was nice to see him.  I hope he is able to get work and move on with his life while he's out here.

Still on the Weight Watchers and actually sort of enjoying it.  I'm hungry most of the time but somehow I'm coping with it.  However, my husband is going on a business trip for three days starting tomorrow, which I find extremely stressful, so it will be a real accomplishment if I manage to stay on.    Then the big Five-Oh hits in six days, and big fancy dinner is being planned.  I hope I can stay on track, or if I get off, manage to get right back on.  The "fine art of regrouping" is what Pamela Peeke, author of Fight Fat after Forty, calls it.  It's well nigh impossible for me, so it's an art form I'd like to cultivate.

Here is the latest shot of kitten cuteness.  Fergus is on the left, Merida on the right.  They're about 18 weeks old, I think.

Another Approach

So, I started looking at how I started this blog back in May and not only have I not lost any weight, I've probably gained some, so I decided to start using the Weight Watchers membership I signed up for a couple of weeks ago.

I've been doing it for about four days now and it's going well.  It's a hassle, and I've been hungry, but it's sort of fun adding up my points on their on-line interactive site.  I can also track activity!

It is hard to stay on, however.  For example, today I was off my normal work routine because I had someone in from out of town that I was with the entire day.  So I had to go to a breakfast reception at which there were nothing but sweets, and go out to a working lunch with several co-workers, and was completely tied up in meetings the rest of the time, so there was no way for me to stay "on plan", but I did the best I could.  I did have an apple in my purse, and a protein bar, that I gulped down to try to keep my blood sugar on an even keel and not get too hungry and shaky, and those helped.  But trying to figure out how many points are in a mexican combo plate from a local restaurant is an educated guess at best.

But for now it's do-able, and any day I don't overeat is a victory, so I'm not going to write it off as a possible solution yet.  And it's nice to not have to be doctrinaire about not touching white sugar or flour, which is also hard to do. 

Other good news:  my son, reeling from a long-term relationship breakup, has arrived in town for an extended visit of about three months.  He is staying with his sister.  I haven't seen him yet, as he was exhasuted from the long cross-country drive and needed to get some rest, but I'm looking forward to seeing him soon and over the next several months.  I hadn't seen him in over a year, which is too long!

New Symptoms

Too low.  Not going well.  New fat symptoms.  When I walk my abdominal fat jiggles.  My legs rub together alarmingly and I'm starting to waddle. My arms are so fat they don't bend at the elbow as much as they used to.  I don't want to move.  My creaky knees, that my doctor ignores, are not helping matters.

I'm invited to hike this morning with my BFF and his girlfriend at one of my favorite places, Indian Hollow.  It will be gorgeous this morning after the storms we had last night.  But it's at least a 4-5 mile round trip, very steep in places, and not only do I know I won't make it, I don't even have any jeans that would fit me that I could wear. 

Seems simple enough.  Just don't overeat.  Don't put the food in your mouth.  So why is it so hard?

I've thought about this at length and I think it come down to one thing. 

Food is the only thing that makes me feel "taken care of". 

Because I am a full-fledged grownup and not only do I have to take care of myself, I have to take care of  others. 

Irrefutable proof that I am a Full-Fledged Grown-Up:

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This is supposed to be a countdown clock to my 50th birthday but it chose to remain in HTML when I FOLLOWED THE INSTRUCTIONS as to how to put it in here. Oh well.


I re-joined on-line Weight Watchers in a fit of desperation a few days ago ("Come back and we won't charge you the $30 registration fee!") but haven't gotten on the site even once.  It's pointless.  The longest I've ever stayed on Weight Watchers is 5 weeks.  I honestly don't have time to fiddle with the point-counting and making sure I have enough fruits and vegetables in a day.  The longest I've ever stayed abstinent from white sugar and flour in OA is 9 months.  I stayed on "cinch" weight loss shakes for almost two months with great success but the digestive disturbances finally started impacting my job and home life and I had to stop.  Too bad, because it worked well and I didn't mind doing it.

Wish I could do better.  I ate a Blizzard last night and it wasn't even good--melty, grainy, not well-blended.  I didn't eat the whole thing, it was just too nasty, but I certainly ate enough to do damage.  And the Inaccurate Scale is playing tricks on me.  After having me up to 184 on Monday, it had me at 175 yesterday.  That worthless piece of junk should be thrown out.  Seriously.  It's so inaccurate as to be useless.

So easy in concept, so hard in principle.  Just don't eat the food!  But work is so hard, and home life is so . . . I don't know, I don't want to be mean to my family, but just so . . . unsatisfactory, and I don't even have a moment to center myself and breathe, and then I'm back to old faithful, the food.

Must stop.

Will go hiking.  The fresh air will do me good, even if I'm slow, lumbering and don't make it to the top.

Post Script:  Hiking canceled as it's raining, something that almost never happens here.  It's weird.  It's very nice, too. 

More Thoughts:  A Christian book about overeating I read recently indicated that it is God that we really crave, NOT food, and thus our overeating should be channeled into seeking the joyous presence of God.  It also scolds that overeating is a symptom of rampant self-will and not giving ones self up to the wisdom of God.  Believe me, when I'm not being gluttonous, I am most grateful to God and provide many thanks for deliverance from gluttony.  But, alas, I have not found a way to make prayer a substitute for eating, nor have I had an active experience of God's presence when I pass up a brownie.  Only in the beauty of creation do I sense God's presence--see earlier post, Small Joys--rainbows, billowing cumulus clouds, beautiful mountains, flowers, the uniqueness of every human being, the miracle of life.  Yes, it sounds incredibly trite.  But it's true.

Weight Loss Fears

Okay, let's say I get it together and manage to lose weight.  Here are my (some silly, some well-founded) fears about what could occur:

Getting Sick:  The few times in my life I've been pretty thin, I'm also sickly.  I catch every bug that goes around.

Hair Loss:  pretty serious female hair loss runs in my family and I noticed over the years that any significant dietary change will show up in the form of quite a bit of lost hair.  It grows back, but this won't occur forever.

Droopy Face/Neck:  I'm not as young as I used to be and fear the fat-plumped skin on my face and neck will sag pretty badly if I lose weight.

Loose Skin:  See Droopy Face/Neck, above.

Loss of Muscle Mass:  I do work pretty hard at my exercise and have decent muscle tone under the fat.  I certainly don't want to lose this strong, metabolism-boosting core layer of muscle.

Vanity:  I certainly don't want to get uppity and think I'm "all that" if I get back into smaller sized clothes!   This has been known to occur, especially as I have a certain body part that is considered pretty spectacular when I'm not fat.  Then again, being almost 50 and now an official AARP member, having this happen is pretty unlikely, see Droopy Face/Neck and Loose Skin, above..

Stress:  Once thin, there is always a constant, nagging worry that the weight will come back.  This concern is quite well-founded, alas.

So, there they are, out there for the world to see, my weight-loss fears.  Feels good to get them out there.  Mkes them seem less terrifying, somehow.

Rapidly growing kittens.  Fergus on the left with open eyes, Merida on the right.

Small Joys

Small joys can make life worth living.  Seeing two beautiful golden retrievers in the back seat of the car in front of me as I drive to work, hanging their smiling heads out opposite windows as the wind flaps their ears and lips.  My carefully tended lantana plants in many different colors, blooming all at once (a rare occasion).  Going to Silver City over the weekend and finding out that trails have been developed in the City-owned open space and having a serendipitous tour of an area formerly forbidden--climbing to the top of Boston Hill and then winding down the rocky, wildflower-lined trails back to downtown.  A dinner out with my husband where they had the same Lancer Rose my mother used to drink when I was a kid.  A sparking glass of Ayinger Brau-Weiss, so crisp and delicately fizzy that it's almost like champagne.

Buying myself an early birthday present at the wonderful estate store in Silver City--a hard-to-find turkey platter in my china pattern.  Plus my Silver City friend Carol bought me the teapot I didn't have.  Another early birthday present.  I'm pretty much done collecting this stuff--the pieces I don't have are pretty esoteric, like an awkwardly shaped oblong three-sectioned relish dish, thick juice glasses, or a set of three mixing bowls so hard to find that they would cost hundreds to buy and would never be used.  I might buy the candlestick holders, though, they have a plump round shape that makes them look sort of like egg cups that have been split in two.  Unusual,  but I'm drawn to them.  How lovely to be in a place in life where I can actually buy and enjoy these pretty things.

Physically I'm a wreck.  Even though I took two very long steep uphill walks while in Silver City, and am thus well-exercised, I'm so puffy with retained water that I'm miserable.  My feet and ankles are noticeably bigger.  My fingers feel plump and my chest area is so miserably sore and tender it's reminiscent of early pregnancy.  It hurts just to put on a top, let alone a bra.  Ouch.  I lumber around the house.  I'm hot and sweaty when no one else is.  I have no idea what I weigh, nor do I want to know.  I ate three Oreos.  I don't even like Oreos.

What to do?  I told  my husband the other night, in all seriousness, that I may not lose the weight.  It's the only thing that calms me down sometimes after a stressful day.  Plus, overeating is habit and my brain receptors scream very insistently when I deny them their simple carb fix.  I'm like smokers I've seen when they don't have a pack of cigarettes.  I get antsy, restless, and very, very disappointed when I deny myself the drug of food.

But then I think of moving freely, being able to bound up mountains and backpack again, and see the incredibly breathtaking places I've been for yet another time, and new places, and not having raw chafed places on my inner thighs (yes, that happened yet again on Thursday while at work and I spent a very very uncomfortable next few days ministering to this friction-induced ailment), and the pain of not having food seems minor. 

I never know if OA is the answer.  I feel very self-absorbed when I contemplate the Steps and the type of things I would have to do to properly work them.  And it's not an excuse, I actually am terribly, terribly busy with a very demanding job that is not merely 8 to 5 and a young child still at home who's not particularly easy or low-maintenance. 

But fortunately, my weight has not made me impervious to the small joys in life.  I still get excited when I see a rainbow, or a group of lenticular clouds over the mountains.  My kittens bring me pleasure every day.  Looking at my youngest daughter's exotic eyes in just the right light (one is blue, one is half blue and half brown, makes an interesting effect).  Taking my soon-to-be son-in-law and daughter out for his birthday dinner.  Even the moment when I start to realize it's getting hot in the house and then, as if by magic, the air conditioner clicks on.  The feeling of my super-soft purple bedroom carpet under my bare feet.  An icy cold glass of seltzer and lime after mowing the lawn.  Leisure.  So many people in the world have no leisure.  Leisure is a wonderful thing.

So, all in all, life is really good.  And as I make my final countdown to the big Five-O (26 more days), I must say, life's been good to me so far.

Lantana!