New Symptoms

Too low.  Not going well.  New fat symptoms.  When I walk my abdominal fat jiggles.  My legs rub together alarmingly and I'm starting to waddle. My arms are so fat they don't bend at the elbow as much as they used to.  I don't want to move.  My creaky knees, that my doctor ignores, are not helping matters.

I'm invited to hike this morning with my BFF and his girlfriend at one of my favorite places, Indian Hollow.  It will be gorgeous this morning after the storms we had last night.  But it's at least a 4-5 mile round trip, very steep in places, and not only do I know I won't make it, I don't even have any jeans that would fit me that I could wear. 

Seems simple enough.  Just don't overeat.  Don't put the food in your mouth.  So why is it so hard?

I've thought about this at length and I think it come down to one thing. 

Food is the only thing that makes me feel "taken care of". 

Because I am a full-fledged grownup and not only do I have to take care of myself, I have to take care of  others. 

Irrefutable proof that I am a Full-Fledged Grown-Up:

<div style="background:#000;width:350px; height:260px;font:0px sans-serif;text-align:left;"><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" id="cdtw" width="350" height="240" style="outline:none"><param name="movie" value="http://cdn.countingdownto.com/c/w.swf" /><param name="flashvars" value="eid=137721" /><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#000000" /><embed name="cdtw" src="http://cdn.countingdownto.com/c/w.swf" flashvars="eid=137721" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="350" height="240" allowscriptaccess="always" bgcolor="#000000" style="outline:none"></embed></object><br/> <a href="http://countingdownto.com" style="font:bold 8px Arial;padding-left:19px;color:#444;">COUNTDOWN CLOCK</a></div>

This is supposed to be a countdown clock to my 50th birthday but it chose to remain in HTML when I FOLLOWED THE INSTRUCTIONS as to how to put it in here. Oh well.


I re-joined on-line Weight Watchers in a fit of desperation a few days ago ("Come back and we won't charge you the $30 registration fee!") but haven't gotten on the site even once.  It's pointless.  The longest I've ever stayed on Weight Watchers is 5 weeks.  I honestly don't have time to fiddle with the point-counting and making sure I have enough fruits and vegetables in a day.  The longest I've ever stayed abstinent from white sugar and flour in OA is 9 months.  I stayed on "cinch" weight loss shakes for almost two months with great success but the digestive disturbances finally started impacting my job and home life and I had to stop.  Too bad, because it worked well and I didn't mind doing it.

Wish I could do better.  I ate a Blizzard last night and it wasn't even good--melty, grainy, not well-blended.  I didn't eat the whole thing, it was just too nasty, but I certainly ate enough to do damage.  And the Inaccurate Scale is playing tricks on me.  After having me up to 184 on Monday, it had me at 175 yesterday.  That worthless piece of junk should be thrown out.  Seriously.  It's so inaccurate as to be useless.

So easy in concept, so hard in principle.  Just don't eat the food!  But work is so hard, and home life is so . . . I don't know, I don't want to be mean to my family, but just so . . . unsatisfactory, and I don't even have a moment to center myself and breathe, and then I'm back to old faithful, the food.

Must stop.

Will go hiking.  The fresh air will do me good, even if I'm slow, lumbering and don't make it to the top.

Post Script:  Hiking canceled as it's raining, something that almost never happens here.  It's weird.  It's very nice, too. 

More Thoughts:  A Christian book about overeating I read recently indicated that it is God that we really crave, NOT food, and thus our overeating should be channeled into seeking the joyous presence of God.  It also scolds that overeating is a symptom of rampant self-will and not giving ones self up to the wisdom of God.  Believe me, when I'm not being gluttonous, I am most grateful to God and provide many thanks for deliverance from gluttony.  But, alas, I have not found a way to make prayer a substitute for eating, nor have I had an active experience of God's presence when I pass up a brownie.  Only in the beauty of creation do I sense God's presence--see earlier post, Small Joys--rainbows, billowing cumulus clouds, beautiful mountains, flowers, the uniqueness of every human being, the miracle of life.  Yes, it sounds incredibly trite.  But it's true.